Chances are, if you are reading this on Thanksgiving Day, you are either eagerly awaiting the ritual gorging on domesticated game bird stuffed with glutinous matter or are suffering from a foodstuff-induced loginess.
Either way, welcome to my first-ever Thanksgiving blog post. Now, many people will use this day to go over a boring litany of things for which they are most thankful. Usually, that includes things like family friends, health, blah, blah, blah...
Not me. Nossir. I will use my virtual podium to lay out that which I am thankful I don't have. Won't that be fun?
1. Male Pattern Baldness - It may seem a bit vainglorious, but I am so glad that I still have my hair. It may be getting grayer than Gandalf, but it's still on my head.
2. An Annoying Child - See, I don't like kids. Never have. Even when I was a kid, I preferred to hang out with adults. Probably a result of being an only child. Kids were irksome little snot machines, always touching and breaking stuff. I always thought I could do a better job of raising one. And now, I have done it! I have a perfect little treasure and...wait...I'll be right back. My kid just poured Chinese hot mustard all over the cat.
3. Catholicism - I was baptized and confirmed a Catholic. None of which, amazingly, was my decision. I went to Catholic school. My parents were 'Cafeteria Catholics,' and we rarely attend chucrh except for the Big Three; Easter, Christmas and Palm Sunday. We half-assed our way through Lent and never participated in any church-related activities. That was fine with Young Tom, because the only thing I found more boring than Mass was going bra shopping with my Mom.
4. I don't see dead people - Self-explanatory.
5. A shrill harpy for a wife - I am extremely lucky that I am married to someone who does not yell, scream or otherwise cause the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. (Yes, she is standing right behind me at this moment.)
6. Salmonella - Not yet, anyway. The day is young.
7. Dermatitis Herpetiformis - A rare, chronic, papulo-vesicular disease characterized by an intensely pruritic eruption consisting of various combinations of symmetrical, erythematous, papular, vesicular, or bullous lesions. Yuck.
8. Sanity - Debatable, yes...but, it's my mind and I can think what I want! So there!
What are YOU not thankful for?
I'd like to know...