...Routine.

The other day, my wife asked me if I thought our life was too boring. I believe my reply was something like 'excitement is overrated.' In all honesty, though, I've never led what anyone would consider an exciting life. I'm neither a thrill seeker or a risk taker. I'd much rather read or listen to music or watch a movie to occupy my free time. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been more proactive in my life. Did I waste my youth on missed opportunities by taking the path of least resistance?

I realize now that many of my life's decisions have been based purely on fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being humiliated and fear of getting hurt, both physically and emotionally. I look back at my twenties and wonder why I let those years slip by without accomplishing much of what I desired. I have no one to blame but myself. Sure, there were victories along the way, but they were small compared with where I wanted to be. I have regrets, to be sure.

The things I do not regret, however, are the people I've met and the friends I've made along the way. I've known some extraordinary people in my life and I am forever grateful for the impact they have made on me.

At the top of that list is my wife. She saved my life in so many ways. It's a rare thing when you find someone who cares about you in spite of all your flaws and faults. It's an ever rarer thing to find someone who does all that and doesn't try to 'fix' you, but instead provides a foundation for you to fix yourself. I'm extremely lucky in that regard.

I've grown a lot in the past several years. Enough to wish I'd done it sooner. Yes, another regret. But, I also look at it as a challenge. I want to be someone worthy of the woman I married and the daughter I care about more than anything in the world.

That is a far more powerful motivator than any fear that I will ever face.

...Constantine.

I was raised in the Catholic faith. Got splashed on the head with the Jesus water. Got to wear the white suit and eat the cardboard wafer. Got to go to confession at the age of 8(?). Got to shake hands with whomever was sitting next to me for some reason I still don't quite understand. The Whole (Holy) Nine Yards.

To be honest, however, we were kind of 'Catholic Lite' at home. My family wasn't especially religious, but we went through the motions, because it was expected. We were liturgical mimes. Plus, my parents wanted me to attend a private Catholic school to get a good education, so attending mass once in a while looked good to the nuns.*

If you were a Catholic growing up in the 70's or 80's, you probably watched two things on TV; Davey and Goliath (if you were raised in the Philadelphia area, D&G were part of a Sunday morning ritual...Captain Noah and His Magical Ark.) and an odd little show called Insight.

Each week, the show would present a different morality play. Some were deadly serious, others funny and even a few were fantasy-oriented. Insight has been called the 'Catholic Twilight Zone' and for good reason. There was something kind of creepy about it. Something a bit off. The production values were very low, but they got the best actors to star in each half-hour episode. Martin Sheen, Carol Burnett, Walter Matthau, Bob Newhart, Ron Howard and Gene Hackman were among those who performed on the show. I found out later that they are/were all Catholics who offered their services for scale.

According to Wikipedia, the show was produced by the Paulists, a Roman Catholic Order of Priests whose brethren tend to be of a more liberal bent. The show reflected this philosophy by trying to be relevant and by staying away from preachy moralizing. It was a great show and deserves to be seen again. Unfortunately, there's been no word of any DVD release in the near future. That's a shame.

I really don't consider myself to be Catholic anymore. At least, not a very good one. As a child, I never felt any real connection with the church. As an adult, I have my share of gripes with the way they handle their 'business.'

But, I sure loved Insight...

If you've got a little time, check it out:




*My years of Catholic school will be the subject of another post. I don't have the energy to get into THAT right now.

...Tatooine.

This summer marks the 20th anniversary of the release of The Empire Strikes Back, arguably the best film in the entire Star Wars franchise. I saw the film opening night at the Hunt's Casino Theater in Wildwood, NJ (pictured). Much like the rest of the audience in attendance, I sat there, jaw agape, wondering how they could possibly end the film so abruptly and on such a downbeat note. Not to mention the only minutes-old shock of finding out that (spoiler alert) everyone's favorite Dark Lord of the Sith (until Darth Maul came along) was that whiny Jedi-wannabe's Dear Ol' Dad. Aside from my own memories and lifelong attachment to Star Wars, there's little I can add to what has already been said about Empire, so I won't even try.

Instead, I bring you this hastily-put together list:

FAVORITE STAR WARS-RELATED SONGS OF ALL TIME
(in no particular order)

"Yoda" -"Weird Al" Yancovic
The first Star Wars parody song I remember and still one of the funniest.

"Star Wars Gangsta Rap" - Bentframe
When I first heard this song, I played it over and over again, because I just. Plain. Loved it.

"Chewbacca" - Supernova
From the original Clerks soundtrack. The big fuzzball deserved his own song, don't you think?

"Star Wars Theme/Disco Version" - MECO
Yes, it's real. Yes, it was officially sanctioned. Yes, it's still AWESOME! You want to see really bad Star Wars-themed disco? Watch THIS drug-induced nightmare!

"Star Wars Cantina" - Richard Cheese
This guy put a lot of thought, time and effort into turning an awful 70's Barry Manilow song into three minutes of sonic joy. We applaud you wherever you are, Mr. Cheese!

"A New Hope" - Blink 182
Not my favorite band by a loooooongshot, but I like the song.

"Fett's Vette" - MC Chris
If Eminem inhaled helium while taking 'shooms and watching Empire, he might have recorded this... (Warning: NSFW) My backpack's got jets!

"O.B.1" - Thingy (song clip)
Possibly the most low-key and melodic of the songs listed from a very cool indie band.

...Dexedrine.

Next week, I have an appointment with my Primary Care Physician. Just a routine checkup to see if everything is okay. It's been eight months since my GB surgery and I am feeling pretty good. I am down eighty pounds from my top weight and have stabilized nicely around the 200 mark. I am happy with that. No more Type 2 Diabetes, no more sleep apnea, no more high blood pressure. All is well. Sort of.

Now that my weight and all the ancillary problems that went with it are (hopefully) behind me, I feel that it's time to address another lifelong health issue I have been ignoring. A mental health issue. I want to be tested for ADHD. I've been a classic 'underachiever' type my whole life. Unable to concentrate on things that did not interest me, I was a poor student with terrible study habits. I have always 'lived in my head,' so to speak. Lots of stuff going on upstairs, but lacking the mental discipline to really utilize it properly.

It's been frustrating to say the least. There have been times I've been able to overcome it. Deadlines always helped me focus when I was a news producer or when I had to finish an article in time for publication.

So, I ask myself...am I lazy? Am I just not properly motivated? Am I looking for an excuse to justify wasting so much of my life not creating? I'm not sure.

I'd like to find out, though. Maybe I can find a way to help myself. So, I will ask my doctor for her advice. I feel like I may have bought myself some time by having my surgery. I don't want to waste it.